Letters to My Daughter While We are Apart – Day #toomany

Dear Kiddo,

I got the WhatsApp message you sent in which you made a case for getting your ears pierced on Ben Yehuda Street based on the following:

  1. “Everyone” is going to do it
  2. Ben Yehuda is a “good place”
  3. Others have already got it done and “no one got infected”
  4. You will get a “normal piercing”  
  5. You will keep it clean and away from dirt
  6. You will only touch it when your hands are perfectly clean and it won’t get dirty on Shabbat
  7. The “HOLY LAND” (in all caps) is “close to G-d”
  8. It would be an amazing experience and you are very responsible

I have to say that I’m impressed with your ability to put forth a logical, persuasive argument.  I know that after watching 28 seasons of Grey’s Anatomy, you are thinking of being of a surgeon, but please do not rule out becoming a Supreme Court Justice.  We could use a liberal woman in the Supreme Court. Ohio is trying to pass a law saying that only male legislators can decide if a woman can get her ears pierced (it’s an extension of the heartbeat bill).

I know I’m no match for you, but here is my response to each of your points:

  1. “Everyone” is doing it is a strong reason NOT to do it!  
  2. Ben Yehuda is a “good place” to buy a falafel or a T-shirt that says “IDF” on it.  It is not a good place to have a stranger pierce your body with a needle.
  3. I don’t know who these others are who have already gotten this done, but it’s too early to tell if they have gotten infected with Hepatitis B or C, HIV, or any other letters of the alphabet.  We will know more by middle of next week when we see if their ear lobe turns black and falls off. Also, just in case you’re going to ask about this–there are people who survived jumping onto a subway track, but that is no guarantee the next guy will, and it is not recommended.
  4. I am scared to ask what an abnormal piercing is…
  5. If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times:  Never rub your ear lobe in the dirt…
  6. …especially on Shabbat.  I’m glad you finally learned that lesson!
  7. There are ways of being holy in the “HOLY LAND” besides being hole-y.  Also, G-d is everywhere, even in America, in a doctor’s office, where they follow laws about sanitization to minimize risk of infections.  
  8. You ARE very responsible, which is why you asked me ahead of time.  That’s why I will let you get your ears pierced this summer if you still want to (after you see what happens to the Ben Yehuda cohort).  I’ll even pay for it. 😃

In short, the answer to the Ben Yehuda piercings (of the normal or abnormal kind) is a resounding “NO”.

Love,

Mommy

P.S.  Also, I want to be there.

Letters to My Daughter While We’re Apart

Note:  This is a work of fiction.  Any resemblance to real people is purely coincidental, but I’d appreciate it if you don’t tell them anyway.  Thanks in advance.

 

4/29/19 – Departure Day 

To my daughter on her class trip to Israel,

You left today.  I’m happy for you and sad for me. I miss you already.

Love,
Mommy

 

4/30/19 – Day 1 – First full day without you

To my girl,

Remember when your brother went on his class trip to Israel and I wrote Letters to My Son While We’re Apart which you thought was funny and not at all weird and embarrassing?

Good.

Love,
Mommy

 

 

5/1/19 – Day 2

Dear Girlie,

I hope you will remember this trip for the rest of your life.  I hope you will also remember some of the special moments the two of us shared preparing for it, just a few of which I will mention here:       

  • Remember when you took three bathing suits into the dressing room to try on and I grabbed another dozen more?  When you balked, I said, “You know how I always told you that you can be anything you want to in this world?  I did not mean that you can be the first woman in the history of the universe to try on three bathing suits and be happy with ALL three of them, even if you hadn’t ignored my advice about size and style.”  Then you looked at my arm-full of bathing suits and told me you Do. Not. Want. A. Tankini. Or. A. Swimsuit. With. A. Pattern, but it turned out you DID want a tankini and a pattern??  And then you looked me in the eyes and said the words I longed to hear: “You were right.”  Please don’t ever forget that moment because it is one of my fondest memories EVER.  Especially for a dressing room memory.
  • Remember when we argued relentlessly about hats and I said I would compromise on the wide brim and let you wear a baseball hat?  I kept suggesting light-weight, sweat-wicking, easy-to-wash baseball hats, which you rejected, but I kept suggesting, and you kept rejecting (and so on…) until finally I yielded and let you get two baseball hats that don’t breathe and each weighs a pound?  I still bought one lightweight one in case you came to your senses and realized that why, yes, you do look good in it after all, AND, yes, it’s great that it weighs less than a butterfly considering your duffel weighs in at 49.9 pounds, but you wouldn’t relent, so I have a new hat.  Well, after seeing the pictures on Facebook where your entire class is wearing hats, except you, I’m rethinking what I told you about the bathing suits.  Anyone stubborn enough to argue about a hat they aren’t going to wear anyway probably CAN be anything she wants in the world, including the first woman to like the first bathing suit she tries on, in the wrong size… just as long as her mother didn’t suggest it.

Love,
Mommy

 

 

WhatsApp Image 2019-05-02 at 7.13.28 AM

Photo by Girlie

 

5/2/19 – Day 3

Dear Girlie,

I haven’t heard from you nearly as much as I wished, which is still logarithmically more than I heard from your brother when he was on his class trip to Israel.  So I’ll say the same thing to you that you said to me when I outlived my mother: “Good job! Let’s just say it’s an improvement!”

Today you sent three photos:  

  1. A flowering tree in what appears to be a prison yard
  2. A crab  
  3. One of the boys in your class wearing a full-brim hat

So I’ll attempt to guess what you’re trying to tell me in each of these photos:

  1. Um…  Give me a hint.  How many words?  A Tree Grows in Brooklyn!  No?  Um… A Cypress grows in Cyprus!??
  2. I’m so sorry about the crab.  I was sure I had requested a kosher meal, but there were a lot of forms and I might have accidentally sent them one of your 15 ear drops prescriptions.  (That does explain the look on the pharmacist’s face at CVS, though.)
  3. If it’s not too much trouble, could you ask your friend to take a picture of YOU wearing YOUR hat, and send that to me?  

I miss you & love you,
Mommy

Raising Houdini

Image

Duct TapeMy son is going on a class trip to Washington, D.C., and I am worried.

My own eighth grade trip to Washington was unforgettable.  Nightly, boys snuck into girls’ rooms, and kids, giddy with freedom, stole into the streets of D.C. in search of excitement and Doritos.

I want my son to have fun, but not that much fun.

Trying to reassure me, my son’s teacher said they tape the outside of the kids’ hotel Continue reading

BWAHAHAHA!

Parents are people with no education, training, or experience, who are not certified or licensed, practicing outside their area of competency.  At best, if we are lucky, after a few years we will get a trophy of participation.

When I was young and naïve, I used to think I knew a thing or two about parenting, which seemed to be a couple things more than the parents I judged via their kids’ Continue reading

Letters to my son while we are apart in Israel

4/21/17 – Day 1

I miss you 😘 Grandpa keeps asking me where you are. I showed him the photo posted of you on the donkey and he said, “which one’s the ass?!” Then 3 minutes later he asked me where you were again, so I said, “Where is he??” and he said, “On an ass!” He remembered!  So I’m doing an experiment to see if bad words help his memory. Stay tuned. Continue reading

Laundry skills

I have a kid who has difficulty mastering laundry skills. Teaching him has been an exercise in futility and a window into the absurd.  I’ve learned a lot along the way to nowhere.

For example, I learned that if I tell him, “Take the clothes out of the washing machine and put them in the dryer,” I better clarify, “after the washing machine has stopped running.” Apparently, the locking mechanism that keeps someone from opening a front-loading washer and flooding the laundry room during the washing cycle is no match for the product of a one-night stand between Amelia Bedelia and Houdini.

We hang a lot of damp clothes because ironing is against our religion.  It boggles my mind how many ways my son has found to botch this up.  Clothes that were supposed to be hung damp have been dried beyond completion, Continue reading

The Cussing Cure

I stopped cussing when I had kids as a way to lie to them and make them think I’m someone I’m not.  Lately I have cussed in front of them a few times, surprisingly with much less remorse than I used to have when I’d slip up.  I actually think it’s time they know the truth:  They come from a long line of cussers, some of whom elevated cursing to an art form.  They should also know that cussing can be a form of coping. Continue reading