For at least a decade and a half, my husband and I have had “the pizza fits in the oven” argument.

Years ago, I would buy a particular pizza and make it in the toaster oven.  When my husband went to make it one day, he wasn’t sure it would fit in the toaster oven. I said, “The pizza fits in the oven,” and assured him I’d made it that way many times. Well, before preheating the toaster oven, my faithless husband took the plastic-wrapped pizza and put it in just to check that the pizza, in fact, fit in the oven.

Do you see the problem with this????  Women, I know you’re right here with me.  To the guys out there, I’ll explain:  He didn’t take my word for it, and it’s not about the pizza!

“The pizza fits in the oven” dispute manifests not infrequently, and I find it maddening.  For example, I told my husband that his parents should try to file their flood claims with insurance before September 1, when House Bill 1774 goes into effect.  (I will not bore you with the details of HB 1774. Just follow me on this, and remember it’s not about the pizza or the House Bill!)  I sent articles and links about this bill to him and his parents and encouraged them to try to file before September 1, if possible.

Today we had this exchange:

Husband:  You know that thing about how my parents have to file with insurance by September 1?

Me:  Not “have to”.  They don’t HAVE to.

Husband:  Well, anyway, it turns out that whole thing is a hoax.

Me:  They do NOT “have to”, it’s just that after September 1, insurance companies are more able to drag their feet, and you have less recourse if you disagree or they are slow.  And it’s not a hoax.  Who told you it’s a hoax??

Husband: My mother asked the person at Traveler’s Insurance and they said it’s a hoax.

Me:  And you believe them over me?!

Husband:  Well, they do work in the insurance industry.

Me:  You believe an insurance company, the very ones who stand to benefit from claims filed after September 1, over ME???

Husband:  Isn’t it possible that you read a site that was a hoax?

Me:  Is it???  IS IT possible that I read ONE site and I put that timeline out there to them, without so much as a disclaimer that I only read one site?  Is it??

Husband:  Look, I don’t know if it’s a hoax.

Me:  You DON’T???  You don’t know whether it’s a hoax???  *I* said it is not a hoax and, yet, you don’t know if it is or isn’t??  What do I have to do to impress you?!  I predict future behavior with a high degree of accuracy, I find lost objects for you when I’m on the other side of the planet, I found your mother’s neighbor on the internet during a flood, I find homes for cats on the other side of the continent… What do I have to do?!

Husband:  It’s not a matter of trust.

Me:  Yes, it is.  I want you to say, “I don’t know anything about this topic, but if SHE say it’s true, my money is on her.”

Husband:   Look, I don’t know if it is or isn’t true.

Me:  Exactly the problem.

Husband:  It’s not a derogatory thing.

Me:  Yes, it is.  How is it I trust you to fix Netflix, even though you have a 100% failure rate, but you don’t even trust me that if I insist something is so – forget that I’m even citing House Bill numbers – that I didn’t read it on the back of a cereal box?! I’m breaking up with you.  And go fix Netflix.

Later I told my 12-year-old daughter the pizza scenario.

Me:  This is a test to see if you’re my daughter or not.  What was the problem with Daddy putting the pizza in the oven?

Daughter:  Was it preheated?

Me:  No.

Daughter:  OK, then the problem was he didn’t take your word for it.

Me:  Yes!!  YES!!

Daughter:    He’s a man.  He needs to see the evidence.

Me:  Whoa. (Pause while my mind is blown.) Girl, if YOU ever say something is so, I’m going to bet my last dollar on it!