My husband likes to “upgrade” things in our house that don’t need it, such as light switches, doorbells, door locks, thermostats, and light bulbs.

For a while he went around the house replacing all the light switches with dimmer switches, providing mood lighting in rooms that no one should be having a mood in.  Unfortunately, the plastic part that you grasp to drag the lever up or down broke off most of them, so turning the light on requires excellent fine motor skills.   We have lights with sensors to detect motion, and we have lights with sensors to detect darkness.  Theoretically they only turn on when it’s dark, but one on our porch flickers rapidly at random times, and I am concerned it may induce a seizure in the vulnerable.

But the upgrade that worries me most are the light bulbs.

What most people want in a marriage, my husband wants in a light bulb—a life-long relationship.  To that end, every time a light bulb goes out, my husband replaces it with a new, expensive LED bulb that is guaranteed to last 20 years, or maybe 50, I can’t remember.  I can’t help but wonder if this is a manifestation of his existential crisis.  Or maybe it’s a tame version of a mid-life crisis sports car purchase.  I have pointed out that we’re not likely to be in this house that long, but the truth is that I don’t want his next wife to get my light bulbs.

Lately we have been having some very odd garage door experiences.  First my husband couldn’t close his garage door remotely when he’d leave home, even though he could open it when he came home.  The repair people couldn’t fix it, so my husband just got a wifi app on his phone that opened the garage door.  When the same thing happened to my door, it occurred to my husband that he had just replaced the lightbulb on the garage door motor…with long-lasting LED bulbs.  So he switched them to non-LED bulbs, and voila!  Mystery solved!  Unfortunately, the bulbs only last 2 years, and I think my husband has already started the mourning and moving-on process.  Last night I caught him with a wifi scale.